Stand With Me - No Excuses to Walk Away - for Christian Women

When should a Christian woman get a divorce and/or walk away from her husband?

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Just telling it like it is.

 

Someone needs to.

 

I wish someone would say these things to me on the days I am really struggling and not refer me to a counselor, or not say they don’t know what to say.

 

Just point me to Jesus, to God, to the Bible, and to Truth.

 

So, here’s the reminder I wish I had, so many times, for you.

 

Read it as often as you need, and pass it forward when you have a friend who needs to hear the truth about her situation (and possibly having her pity party over how bad her marriage is).

I’m thinking of all my sisters out there, who like me, struggle from time to time with their marriages. 

 

Who may wake up in the morning and give it “one more good shot”, only to put their head on their pillow at night in complete emptiness and depleted hope.

 

Who some days get so full of rage and anger, say and do things that make them look back with such guilt and regret, that they barely recognize who they are and who they have become.

 

They are so full of shame, they can barely continue to fake the smile in public and hesitate to answer when others ask how they are.

 

“Do they really want to know how I am?”, they wonder. I wish I believed they do, for if I did, I would tell them of this monster I am living with, around and inside of me. I’d surely gain some sympathy and then I could feel better about walking away and dusting the pain off and “starting over”. There’s bound to be someone out there who will love me just for me, who will treat me like the princess I have been told I am supposed to be, who will honor and cherish me, who will keep their word and not make me feel so bad, like such a failure, such a disappointment.

Nearly every time I hear about one of you walking away from your marriage, a seed is planted inside of me. A seed of wonder. For a bit, I may even catch myself feeling envious that you were able to escape while I am still imprisoned.

 

Especially when it comes to “abuse” or “adultery”, I feel you have received a permission card from the church-goers approval to leave without shame or judgement or condemnation.

 

But what about us other sisters where the “abuse” or “adultery” are not so blatant, are

not so cut and dry, what about us? Do we have a societal permission card to leave, or would we be judged by our fellow sisters and brothers?

By the way, did I mention, that the seed that gets planted when you give up, is telling me that someday I too may have to give up. If things get bad enough. It’s all just getting so bad around us, it’s inevitable that we each may be faced with the hard truth that our husband’s have sinned so bad that they now deserve abandonment – right?

 

Or – do they?

Where are the Christians that are teaching what Jesus taught – forgiveness? That we are ALL SINNERS and FALL SHORT of the glory of God?

 

I love what I once heard, I wish I knew where…. That my marriage is a reflection to the world of God’s love.

 

If I walk out as soon as I get the “Christian Permission Card” (AKA – enough Christians around me to validate that I had a reason “biblically” to leave), then what I am teaching my husband, or my children, or my friends, peers, and strangers about God’s love?

 

Am I really going to the extreme (AKA – the extra mile) to show them that God loves us unconditionally? That no matter how bad, or how much, we sin, when we repent and come to Him, he ALWAYS forgives us and not only forgives us, but restores us and blesses us beyond what we could ever deserve (AKA: Grace).

You may have caught the key in that: “when we repent”. Many of you have husbands who have repented and you are still holding your ground, holding on to your grudge, holding on to your reason to pout, shout, punish, withhold, or even walk away (myself presently included). But that’s not Christ-like.

Well – but you think you’ve forgiven him over and over and over and he keeps on doing the same thing over and over and over. I agree – this is ridiculously frustrating, but the Bible tells us to keep on forgiving 70x7 (AKA: infinity).

 

Don’t you expect the same thing from your heavenly Father – unlimited supply of forgiveness?

 

Come down off your pedestal now.

 

It’s not reasonable to expect it, and receive it, from your Heavenly Father, if you are not willing to pass that same type of grace and forgiveness forward – right?

The Bible talks about this too – the guy who had been forgiven his debt and then tried to squeeze it out of the guy who owed him money!

This seems to be our human nature – so- okay. Now we get it, let’s keep reminding ourselves of this and keep things in perspective the next time we want to hold on to our grudges and punish someone else who has hurt us.

The Bible also gets me when Jesus says that if we don’t forgive, than we will not be forgiven! Yikes!

 

So, when is it okay to walk away?

 

I may be the only one saying this, but I think it’s time we say NEVER.

It’s NEVER okay to walk away.

 

If you want to receive, and give, like God intends, then you have to stay, no matter what.

 

Our culture is all into excuses, and even in abusive situations, there’s a lot of room for excuses. Maybe, in extreme cases, it’s not safe to live with that spouse, because it could be life threatening, but does that give you permission to say, “I made a mistake, I’ll go pick again?” I don’t see that in Scripture.  (*See Disclaimer for more specific opinions on this)

 

Where does that leave opportunities for God

to show His glory to you (as your provider)

and to your abusive spouse (by your faithfulness and belief in him)?

 

Where does that motivate you (through your mistakes and pain)
to help inspire other young ladies
to be ever so careful in picking a spouse
to avoid walking the same road you have walked.

 

I know this is probably hard to read, because our culture is so permeated with “leave if it’s unsafe” or “leave if he’s unfaithful – you poor woman”, but I just want to stand up and say – look where that’s getting us.

 

One by one, the devil is using excuses (like these) to pick our marriages apart and to plant seeds in the hearts of our sisters for their situations.

It’s harder to stand firm in my marriage when I see you ladies leaving yours
– no matter what the reason!
I have to believe I am not the only one who “secretly” feels this way.

 

What YOU do matters!

 

I would be more impressed, and more influenced in my perseverance (as a wife), if I knew your struggles and saw your faithfulness, obedience, and diligence to allow God permission to work through your circumstances. I think we’d all be strengthened by your testimony.

 

However, instead, there’s so much shame, so many secrets, and so many other women out there hurting, and one by one we are falling apart.

What a great scheme the devil has working here. Attacking our families all over the place, and we are letting him, because we are too proud and too ashamed (also pride) to firmly plant our feet on the ground and say,

 

“I’m not moving!
Lord, plant my feet firmly on the ground.
Keep me from being shaken! I am going to be true to my oath
– no matter what!”

 

Read Psalm 15.

Ladies – I challenge you to stand with me.

 

My stomach is in knots as I write this, because I know once I do, I have made a declaration that I am strong enough to stick this marriage out until “death do us part”, and that scares me with the way things have been going around our household for the last 12 years!

(We all say it at the beginning, because we have not seen what it’s really going to be like, but ... can you say that today, after you know what it’s like?)

 

Say it –

 

“Til Death Do Us Part

– no matter what,

I will stand firm in my marriage.

I will be humble,

I will be a servant,

I will die to myself over

and over

and over.

I will look only to God to

meet my needs if

it comes to that.

I will stand firm in my marriage so that

I can be a part of women who need to know

it’s possible and put myself in a position for

God to do amazing miracles that could

inspire and encourage others around me.”

 

Don’t you see, if you walk away when it’s at it’s worst – you have taken control and have left no room for the miracle?

I know it’s hard!

 

I know it’s painful!

 

But I also KNOW every day the sun rises and sets again.

 

Every year, there are new days,
                                          new weeks,
                                                      new months,
                                                                   and new seasons.

 

It has snowed on Easter. It has been hot on Christmas. You don’t know what tomorrow will bring! Only God knows.

 

And I KNOW HE IS FAITHFUL!

HIS PROMISES ARE TRUE. i.e. He promises you reap what you sow.

 

So what are you reaping? What are YOU sowing?

Press In, Stand Firm, and Press On.

 

Generations are counting on you.

 

Say what you mean and mean what you say.

 

Don’t get sucked into this culture of excuses.

 

Don’t get crushed by what your husband says or does to you.

 

Many have endured so much before you, and many will after you.

 

You lead as an example of faithfulness.

 

By the way, remember what God says, that “wives can lead their husbands without words”? He put that in there for a purpose. Press into that, meditate on it.

What are your words? BE QUIET!

Now what are your actions telling him, showing him, teaching him?

Keep an eternal perspective. Near sightedness will cause you to crash. It’s inevitable. But – looking ahead, staying focused, will more likely get you where you truly want to be in the end.

 

So, today was horrible… no, this whole last week has been horrible (fighting, arguing, hatefulness, etc). Go to bed and rest and start over tomorrow – day 1.

 

Love like nothing else. Without love, there is no point to anything (remember I Corinthians 13?).

 

If the day crashes and burns, start over the next day – day 1 – LOVE!

 

“Just keep loving, Just keep loving” (sing to the tune of Dory’s song on Nemo if you have to).

Stand with me.

 

I need your example, and I hope I can be an example for you as well.

P.S. For those of you who have read this and think this does not apply to you because you really are the perfect wife and do nothing wrong and you just married Mr. Meany –well, I felt compelled to tell you this (maybe I’m just being mean, or maybe this is from the Spirit):

Don’t tell me you have not done anything to deserve this and that you are completely blameless and a victim in the situation.

 

I’ll tell you I already know you have poor judgement and a lack of good discernment, because you picked the fellow to marry.

 

That being said, it is more than probable that there are other areas in your life, whether you realize it or not, where you may be lacking good judgement or discernment, which could be playing a role in your current situation.

 

Ask God for wisdom.

Ask God to search your heart.

Ask God to show you what you may be doing to be a part of what is going on.

 

I believe with all of my heart, if you watch and listen, it won’t take long for God to show you something.

 

Be ready. Life’s about to change for you once you ask.

 

And, it may feel like it’s getting worse before it get’s better.

 

Hang in there.

 

Look to God the whole time.

 

Read your Bible like you have never read it before.

 

That should be a requirement for divorce:

1. Read the Bible all the way through and then see what you think.

 

(In every situation, when you read the Bible it seems to say something different to you as you can handle it. Pretty miraculous. So even if you have read it before, when you were not thinking divorce, read it again now if you are thinking you have to get a divorce, or separate).

 

2. Give God a chance to work on you, in you, and through you.

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WILL YOU STAND WITH ME?

If so, please COMMENT, "I AM STANDING" to let all the other women God brings to this post know they are not alone and they too should be, and can, stand in their marriage til death do they part.

 

You are welcome to post how many years you have been married and any short testimony you may feel led to share.

 

Please refrain from any negative feedback. This post is meant to be a tool to strengthen and encourage.

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Disclaimers: Today, there is more I wish I would have expanded on in the above posting.  However, I wanted to share the unedited version written 1/5/2010 by the Inspiration & Urging I received from the Holy Spirit.

It was so strong, I had to stop washing dishes and go start typing. This is what came out.

I also want to stress that I believe if you are a wife in a marriage with a husband who is not following God's specifications for his role, and you are in danger (emotionally, physically, or spiritually), I believe it is possible that God will make a way for you to separate from your spouse, and you should absolutely seek and follow His direction in that. Separating temporarily from your spouse does not mean you are not still standing for your marriage. 

Here's how you can stand: You are to remain single and pure and pray for him (his salvation most likely) which most likely will birth or keep your love for him available for the day he returns and repents.  Once your spouse recognizes his sin(s) and repents, and seeks to reconcile with you, I believe it is God's best plan for both of you (and your children and families) to be reconciled.

If you are not in any type of real danger, I implore to stand while remaining in the same household and keeping yourself as free from your own sins as you can.

If you choose to remain separated, you are to remain unmarried (and pure) until your husband is deceased.  This is according to Scripture. 

Whatever advice I offer, I cannot advise enough that you must seek God's Word for your life and do what it says.  The Holy Spirit will be your Counselor and His Word will never fail you.