Why I Stopped Celebrating Christmas Part 1

Christmas is five days away, and I don't have any presents bought for our kids, we don't have a Christmas Tree up, and there is no big family Christmas get together to look forward to.

I did at least buy a Winter Wreath (Semi-Christmas Holiday looking) for our front door and decorated our living space with a red tablecloth and red throw blanket.

Photo Courtesy of My Daughter, KaraJR

The kids did get to attend all their group Christmas parties (I am trying to build community and meaningful relationships around them and these are all put on by their school or groups they are involved with, so we walked through the motions of these events for the relationship benefits.):

• Elementary Music Performance
• High School Christmas Concert
• Fifth Grade Class Party
• 4 H Christmas Party
• PLA Christmas Party (4H Leadership)
• Junior Church Group Christmas Party
• Ninth Church Group Christmas Party
• Junior Class Christmas Party

So, why am I the seemingly modern "Bah Humbug"? I am a Christian, after-all.

To try to be brief, back when Scott, my husband, was traumatically injured, our entire family was. People sincerely would ask, "How is Scott doing?", and it told me the truth that they did not really understand how this event impacted our entire family.  Ultimately, as I was carrying most of our responsibilities all on my shoulders, I was absolutely exhausted at the same time feeling completely isolated and alone. Doing anything "fun" or "meaningful" that would require my leadership or energy became another burden to me. When you are so exhausted, you literally measure the cost versus benefit of doing even simple things like taking a shower that day.

So, one year, a few years after his injury, I had gotten down all of our Christmas things from the attic. I still remember standing in the living room assembling the tree. The girls were young and busy pulling things out of the boxes with everything prompting more and more of their excitement. Samuel was most likely cut loose to do whatever he pleased and I was content with that.  Scott was participating the best he could verbally, as he remained fixed in his wheelchair in the middle of the mess and wouldn't be able to move around much, but he could offer instructions and encouragement.  We had my favorite Christmas music cranked up and it is a very cheerful, fun, exciting memory. However, I also remember a specific moment when I felt a total lack of peace in my spirit. There was a question of "Why are we doing this?" It felt like superficial joy and happiness manufactured only by the expectations surrounding the Christmas holiday. If felt shallow that our family could be so miserable every other day of the year, yet with this music and stuff we were touching and creating, we were somehow a unified group of peace and joy and happiness. It felt like a memory of how I felt when I was growing up in my adopted family at Christmastime.

I was last adopted by a family when I was seven years old. I remember many Christmas occasions. Every year, my mom would do the best job at getting our presents. She always had some new clothes, a new gadget, some toys, and stockings filled with customized name pencils, a new book to read, our favorite candy and gum, and things that generally were bought for our benefit the following year.  Our presents were wrapped in beautiful paper and coordinated specifically for each person to have their own design. She would intricately decorate our Christmas tree to look amazing, but would never accept any of my offered help putting the ornaments on the tree. All around our house would be tiny ceramic objects she had made over the years that enhanced the season in our home.  She had Tupperware containers full of various Christmas cookies - again she had made alone without our help.  One of my favorites was the jar of red and green M&M's that set out. Finally, I didn't have to sneak in our cooking cabinet to have chocolate morsels. :) Every Christmas Eve, we would drive across town and attend a Candlelight service at our small Church of Christ. It was one of the most beautiful times of the year. The lights were out, except our candles that we individually held. While my attention was always fixed on that flame and the paper ring around it catching the dripping wax, (I was always scared I may drop mine), there was a beautiful feeling of unified people singing the Christmas carols.  We would drive home after midnight, and finally sit around our own Christmas tree and open our presents until about two in the morning. When we would wake up, our stuffed stockings would be hung on our door (or laid out on our pool table as we got older and they were larger) and we would solitarily go find and empty it. I would go through the routine of laying all of my things out on my bed and taking a picture of everything I had been given.

But, in the midst of all of everything being so "perfect", our family was also broken, and I felt broken through all of it.  I remember feeling like I should be excited and thankful as I opened my presents, but feeling sad at the same time. I was seeing a physical representation of my mom loving me, but I did not feel any such love directly from her. The presents seemed superficial and undeserved and unmeaningful. I wanted to know I was wanted, needed, important, and loved. I felt none of those things.

To Be Continued.... [You Can Read Part 2 Here]

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~Until next time,

Rachelle Suzanne

12/20/2018

Personal Note: I am trying to make time to write on a more consistent basis. However, I am setting a time limit, and trying to stay close to it, to create this habit.

• If I stay until it is all written - none of us will be ready for the day. 
• If I wait until I have time to write it all - it won't get done at all and will remain bottled up inside me doing nothing for anyone else. 
• If I write offline- then it will stay there. 

So, I am trying to write

• something, 
• more frequently but 
• with a time limit 
• online 

to create the habit and accountability.

Regardless of if I have any followers at this time, somehow knowing it is online, is helping me get it done.

Please "Subscribe" to my blog if you want to be notified when my next entries are posted.  If you have a topic you would like me to write about, please reach out and let me know.  There is so much I want to cover, but it will take a long time, so I am happy to write my stories according to my audience's interests.