I was driving home after an exhausting day of errands. It was dark, but it was still early in the night. My cell phone rang, and it was a woman who I had started to have deeper conversations with. Making friends was very difficult during this time, because our family was under so much stress constantly and I was trying to balance all of our needs; including my need to reach out and not stay isolated.
I crumbled into tears as I tried to reconcile the contrast between what she had most likely anticipated was our need versus what it actually was. Yes, we needed money. But truly more than that, I needed to know people not only saw us, and cared about us, but they wanted to be around us; that they needed us too. I craved connection.
Didn't these people understand we needed so much more than money to buy things for our family, "just because it was Christmas"? We had needs all year around. Where were they when we needed things the other months out of the year?
"Rachelle, I am headed to your house to drop off some Target Gift Cards we got your family for Christmas. Are you home?" she asked.
"No, but Scott is and I am only five minutes away. I am heading there right now." I was so excited to be there to receive her gift. It was so thoughtful.
"OK. I cannot stay, but I will at least drop them off."
I restated that I was literally around the corner, and that I would be there in just a few minutes. I practically begged her to wait for me, so I could at least say hello and thank her face to face.
I impatiently turned at each light and corner and finally pulled into our driveway. I didn't see any visitor car there, so I was hoping I had beat her. When I arrived inside, my husband said, "A lady dropped off some gift cards for you. I had her leave them on the bookshelf by the door."
I was stunned. I literally had just spoken to her on the phone. I was seriously around the corner and down the street. It felt like it had only been a few minutes as I had rushed home. How could I have missed her?
I walked over to the bookshelf, and there on the top were a handful of $20 Target Gift Cards. One for each person. It was truly such a generous gift. In our poverty state, to have $20 to buy whatever we wanted (beyond necessities) was a big deal. It was so thoughtful, and I was grateful... yet I broke.
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To be the "project family" seems to demean one's significance and ability to contribute to their world. I used to be the one priding myself in giving to family's in need, thinking I was doing them such a big service and being used by God to do so. Never did it cross my mind that they not only needed the material things, but that they may too have needed my friendship: Me taking the time to give them that hug, look them in the eye long enough for them to feel seen, and to listen to them talk about whatever they need to in order to connect with another person not in their crisis. Or, that perhaps, they too believed they had much to offer me (though it may not be in monetary form), but in wisdom, thoughtfulness, and friendship.
I also was brought back to the constant reoccurring theme in my life; that I wasn't enough. If I had just convinced her to stay. If I had just been a few more minutes down the road. If I was the kind of person that she liked. If ... If... If. Rejection hurts and it often causes one to over analyze themselves. In hindsight, I know logically it wasn't about me. Even in the moment, I had grilled my husband on what she had said when she came in. He assured me that she was in a hurry, had her husband waiting in the car, and they had bags in the car they needed to go home and unload and have dinner. However, my heart did not line up with my logic. I still believed if I was, we were, important enough, she would have stayed.
I was also filled with so much anger. As I saw the amazing and wonderful generosity from people who knew us, or knew about us, coming in, it's as if my perspective on the Christmas Season started to shift yet again.
I wrestled with these thoughts, because on one hand I felt guilt for thinking them. It was not my intention to not be grateful or to miss that many of these families had most likely made sacrifices in order to bless our family financially the way they had. I also believed the Holy Spirit must have been prompting many of them on where to direct their funds, as there were so many needs in the world, and I thanked God that He had people working on our behalf to provide for us.
On the other hand, I felt justified in what felt like righteous anger. How could Christmas have become so shallow? Why did people think they were meeting people's needs by spending their time, energy, and money to check off a bunch of lists? Why do people only give at Christmas? This did not line up with the Christian message!
The full time,
24/7,
365 days a year
message!
I think all of these painful "Christmas experiences", over my lifetime, were a part of why I finally searched out the meaning of Christmas. Finally, one year, before I agreed to put out any decorations, I asked my elementary aged daughters (whom I was homeschooling), to look up our Christmas traditions and explain how they relate to our Christianity. Asking this question, and researching it, opened the door for us to see so much more that exists around this topic.
Simultaneously, I was a part of a writer's club at our church. One night, they were discussing Christmas, and I boldly stated something about my reservations about the holiday. After our meeting, a visitor man walked up to me and it was as if he was speaking directly from God to me. He said, and I paraphrase, "You are not crazy. You are hearing from the Holy Spirit. Go home and look up these specific videos and you will see that you are not alone." He wrote down the list of some videos for me to look into.
I watched them with my husband. Not only did I finally feel validated in my desire to stop celebrating Christmas, but my husband completely jumped on board. Once we were taught what the origins of Christmas were, and what the Scriptures actually say God thinks about the traditions, it was an obvious choice for us.
You see, we were so broken. So humbled. So desperate in our situation. We had nothing to depend or rely on than the Lord. I knew I desperately needed His grace, mercy, and provision on our life. If I was devoted to Him before, our situation only created a deeper and more accountable desire for me to please Him. I wanted to honor Him in everything I did, or did not do. Even if it was in a "manipulative" (or intentional) way, in order that He would respond to my heart and actions. I had already clearly seen that He was a God of His Word, and when I did what His Word said to do, He would do what His Word said He would do. Our family needed Him more than we needed Christmas.
To Be Continued....
What DOES God say about our Christmas Traditions?
Have you missed the beginning of this Blog Series?
Question: Are you giving the gift of connections or just stuff?
If you are wanting to help a family in need, have you asked them what they need? Don't assume they want your money any more than they may want an hour of your time to visit, share a meal, or just know you truly care about them.
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