Before I explain the Spiritual catalyst that finally prompted us to completely stop celebrating Christmas, I want to tell a few more bittersweet examples of how my Christmas experiences, after my husband's accident, were changing my mindset about the entire holiday.
Shortly after he was discharged from his two-month stay in the hospital, I received three calls from representatives who informed me that our family had been "chosen" to be the recipients (AKA "the project family") of Christmas gifts and donations from a local organization that helps keep teens off drugs, a group of kind teachers from the new school our second grader had started attending, and there was a group of attorneys. On one hand, this sounds amazing! He we were completely displaced from our home, in a completely new city, had no income source at all other than our dependence on donations that were fortunately coming in, and we had three small children (ages 1-7) who would of course like new stuff.
To be chosen for something I did not ask for was another stroke to my ego. One that I needed.
People noticed.
We were not invisible.
People cared.
This was comforting.
Though I could have cared less about getting anything trivial (which is how I saw Christmas gifts in relation to our greater needs - for healing, a home, a community, a job, stability), my perspective abruptly was widened when my daughter asked, "Do you think God will answer our prayers too mommy?"
Her question stopped me in my tracks as I got out of my own head and realized my children needed the same answers I was asking! They were in the crisis too; though their experiences and responsibilities in it were different, they still needed confirmation to know that our God, their God, noticed.
They were not invisible.
He cared.
This would comfort them!
So, of course I went along with it; and, honestly, I was super grateful and humbled by the outpouring support we were receiving in this time period. I was fully aware of so many other needs than our own, and to know people were rallying around our family, and doing what they knew to do in effort to help us, was so so appreciated.
Long story short, we attended the Teen Club Christmas Party. They did an AMAZING job and service for our family. We showed up and it was a bigger deal than I had realized initially. They had a whole room full of people, a large spread of food consisting of sub sandwiches, bags of chips, and soda. Our kids were thrilled to get a bag of Cheetos because this is something I did not personally buy for them; I gave in as to not offend or ruin the intention of the moment based on my own ways of feeding our family. There was an entire table full of presents, and they ALL were for our family! It felt truly like a different reality. It was so generous and so thoughtful, yet it was so empty; like I felt as a child receiving gifts from my mom. We didn't know any of these people. We had not built lives or memories with these people. They were all very kind when talking with us, but there wasn't that bond or relationship between them and us, as you could see happening around you between themselves. I felt like outsiders. I felt like the needy. I felt the void of a peaceful, satisfied spirit.
It actually caused so much stress on me to get us ready for the party, drive to it in a city I was unfamiliar with, and then take our family and the full black trash bags of gifts back to our tiny apartment that we had managed to rent after he was discharged from the hospital. In fact, on the way back, our son (about 20 months) ended up throwing up, from the food he had eaten, all over his car seat include splatters on the new bag of toys.
But, I truly was grateful for the intentions of that group toward blessing our family. While it was hard for me to walk through, I know our children were so excited about the whole experience and those gifts.
The other organizations ended up asking us for a list of things we may need. They called to tell me they would be bringing the presents they collected over to our apartment. I imagined a handful of things. I was not prepared for what we received. These two groups completely filled the base of our Christmas tree and out from it! (Yes, I had taken the time to put up our Christmas Tree as it would have never crossed my mind to break this honored tradition despite our lack of time, energy, and funds.) I mean, it was unbelievable and a beautiful display! They had completely taken care of Christmas for us, and we were very thankful and excited! What a gift they gave to simply remove the stress of the expectations for the Christmas Day!
When we opened our gifts, my husband and I were simply in awe. That these mostly strangers, some who we had just met us only a few months before and some we had never met, would go to such lengths to buy our family all of these things was so indescribable. We were truly touched and truly thankful. At the same time, it was so excessive that we started to see the negative effects of the Holiday as well.
Each of our kids had a location to put their opened gifts. One daughter had the couch, the other had my husband's hospital bed on the other side of the room (he was having to sleep in our "dining room" where that bed fit). I think I made piles for my husband, our son, and myself in various parts of the floor.
We started taking turns unwrapping gifts. We had a vision of each person opening something and all appreciating each gift individually. Before long, I think it was just too tiring to continue this and our children were opening gifts faster than we could manage their character. After all, someone had to make a special trip with their special money for each one of these gifts. If this took that person an hour of their precious time, our children were unwrapping and tossing the gift on their pile in less than a few minutes. It just seemed to unfortunate to not embrace each thought.
I still remember helping Scott unwrap his gifts. He was tilted back in his power chair and had very little ability to do more than be present and encourage us. People had spared no expense and had gotten him the shoes we asked for, clothes, and even diapers we needed for him. I still remember our five year old daughter singing with glee, "Dad got diapers for Christ-mas." They thought it was hilarious to get a pack of diapers, I thought it was amazing to get what we truly knew we were needing.
Everyone seemed to get something they were needing that Christmas. I needed to know we were not forgotten and that people cared about us. I was so scared. My husband needed physical items like a new pair of tennis shoes (his had been ruined in the accident) and diapers (he was now incontinent). And, our children needed to know God heard their prayers too. He was taking care of their mom and dad and them. They were safe.
Though we felt so incredibly blessed, I remember feeling so incredibly alone as I myself managed helping all of us process this entire occasion. I literally had to go to Home Depot the next day to pay for three large plastic dressers (with three drawers each) in order for the kids to have a place to put all they had received. In our tiny apartment, where all three were sharing a bedroom, Scott & I were sleeping in the dining room (he in a hospital bed with me on the floor), there just was not room for more stuff.
I am so grateful for that experience, and I wouldn't change it. But, when I am trying to define why I stopped celebrating Christmas, I think it is important to include these events so others can see the whole picture of the holiday and how their actions, attitudes, and availability effect people's lives as well.
Our first extended family Christmas offered the opportunity for me to dive deeper into the feelings of being alone in our experience. On the outside, things were okay. But, I remember us coming into my sister-in-laws home and watching everyone around us act as if nothing had changed. It is possible they thought this was the best thing to do. But, inside, I wanted to scream, "We are hurting! Don't you see it? Don't you care?" I didn't care about the shallow, "How are you?" meaningless talks. I wanted someone to tell me they were hurting with us, they were there for us, and that we would not walk the future days alone - that they would commit to help me help my husband and raise our children. But, instead, we kept on our pleasant faces and talk, ate our food, played our Christmas games, and left for the hour trip back to our private lives. It didn't feel safe to be the one to "ruin Christmas" with our feelings and needs.
To Be Continued.....
When the lady dropped off the Target Gift Cards instead of waiting to say "Hello", I broke.
[Read Part 3]
[Read Part 3]
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