No funeral for the death of a spouse alive

In my dream, he was the person I knew. He was independent with a fully functioning "normal" man's body. He was vibrant and full of life with a light and energy about him. He had come home from work to surprise me, as it was common for him to find reasons to surprise me, and there was joy between us and a sense of loving romance that felt safe.

I woke up to my alarm and realized he was gone. The reality of his present condition came back to memory, and as deep sadness replaced my previous joy, I had this thought, "We never got to have a funeral for losing the man we knew and loved. No one ever had the chance to grasp the painful reality we have faced and to be alongside us to grieve with us and comfort us on the life after his accident. They just started to fade away back into their lives."

I wonder do they even know how hard this has been behind closed doors? Have they chosen to abandon us because they don't know, or because they know but don't know what to do? Or are they just completely oblivious as they are focused on their own stories and families and making their lives turn out the ways they had hoped? I choose to believe they really do care about us, but do not realize our suffering. Perhaps I am wrong, and our relationships were more shallow and superficial than I knew.

I am afraid to speak up and speak out. Afraid to ask for comfort, or sympathy, or whatever it is I need. Afraid to be needy, yet again. Afraid to be able to finally conclude they really do not care about us, about me, if they were to purposefully not answer my call. And as a result, I continue to spiral into more loneliness and sadness as the grief of what has happened continues to linger. 

It is especially hard as I watch (from a distance) the families we love and were once a part of move on and fulfill their plans as we are no longer on their radar. As I try to meet new families and create a new life and connections for us, it would make no sense to bring up our past traumas and contaminate these new relationships.   And so I grieve alone, when I allow it to come out. For the most part, I walk around numb as I try to just do the next right things to help raise our children and launch them into their future lives - hoping they will have their own sense of community and skills and hopes.

Would anyone even be able to understand how I still hurt so badly?  I look at all that has happened in the last decade and still see a shattered mess from the remaining fragments of that horrible day that changed everything for us. When will restoration come? 

The husband I had left that day. Though his body survived, he is not the same man he was. He has lost him, his family lost him, I have lost him, and his children have lost him. They were so young, they barely even know him as he was.  And there never has been a funeral to say good-bye. Is this what keeps me stuck in the grief?

That I never got to accept that he is gone? I have held on to hope for nearly a decade for his healing, but it occurs to me this morning that even when he is healed, it will never bring back the same man he was before. He is a new man. 

This is not all bad, but it is still very painful.

He came back to me in my dream. I saw him. I felt him. It was so real to my soul.

And then I woke up. The pain of the loss was so real too.  For the first time, I realize he is forever gone.

The man I have been taking care of is not him. And, the truth of the whole story is, I also died that day. I am no longer the wife he had, the mother my children had, or the friend people knew me as.  I have never been the same. 

We lost ourselves, our lives (our home, our church, our community, our routines, our extended family members, our friends, our businesses, our hopes and dreams individually, as parents, and beyond), and a lot of sleep and health (physically and mentally).

But, no one else seemed to notice we were gone. 

We are new people.

It is my hope that we will find a way to build new lives that matter and somehow find peace with our previous relationships that still matter a great deal to me.

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If someone finds this post, and you too have gone through a traumatic experience that has altered your world, I hope my transparency has somehow helped you know you are not alone. Though I do not know you or know your story, I may know how you feel. And you are not truly alone, you have a loving compassionate Savior (Jesus) who is with you always as you welcome Him into your life. God, Jesus, the Holy Spirit, and the Word have been my sustaining force and strength through all of this.

Though my human flesh struggles and the pain is so great at times, there is a peace They offer that I have not found anywhere else. May you be comforted by Their love as you too rebuild your life one moment at a time.

Read the Word (Bible) to find what I speak about; read it until you find Him and know He is with you. Peace be with you always.