Staying In a Bad Marriage May Be Worse Than Separating

I did not stay in the toxic relationship because I needed it, as in a codependent way, but because I wanted it to work. 

I wanted to be needed and appreciated most definitely.  I wanted to finish what I had started, believing it would reflect bad character if I didn’t do so.  I wanted the picture of what I believed a successful family looked like. I wanted what I believe God’s call for families is – to remain together, loyal, unconditional love, forgiving – and I most certainly did not want the blame for messing it all up.

But, I now realize, looking back, by my leaving I do not get 100% of the blame for “messing it all up”.  In my staying, I messed it up too.  The sin that was accepted, tolerated, and promoted is what destroyed our family. And, I should have broken our family a long time ago so that we would have had a chance to become whole again – if that is what it would have taken for those sins to stop.

Domestic violence and abuse can be so subtle, so tricky. It doesn’t have to be all about physical bumps and bruises. If you have to google the symptoms of abuse, you most likely already know it is happening – whether some other author or medical professional or group acknowledges your specific situations.  Don’t doubt yourself. Find courage to get it to stop – and if it will not, cannot stop, you must draw a line (a hard deadline with hard conditions of evidence to be met) and once you reach those – you have to be willing to leave the relationship, even if only for a short timeframe.

Enough time to say, I will not continue in this pattern for myself or our children.  

Enough time for your abuser to believe you are truly demanding and worthy of the respect you have asked for and cried out for so many times.  

Enough for you to clear your head and see things as they really are, and for you to realize you are worthy of the respect you have asked for and cried out for so many times.

My kids lived through it, because I allowed it to continue. They were asking for it to stop since they were old enough to talk and write. They were giving me their words to let me know it was hurting them. But I placed my belief of keeping our family together as more important than the understanding that by staying I was still doing damage to them – but in a different way.  I was so deceived, and for that I am truly grieved.

I hope when a woman finds this, and knows in her heart, she too is living this in her own life, and with her own kids, that she will find the courage to leave. Even when no one around you will tell you it is okay – as EVERY SINGLE one of my counselors, pastors, friends, and family – who knew fragments of what was happening, but enough to know it was unhealthy – never once validated my questions if I should leave! I am telling you – LEAVE. Separation does not equal a divorce. It merely separates you from the toxicity of the negativity and patterns to help the whole family re-evaluate and hopefully reconstruct better healthier ways of relating to one another.

You can always work on rebuilding trust and respect and come back – but you will NEVER get back the years you wasted suffering personally and allowing your children to suffer helplessly.

So. Much. Grief.

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I do not take separation lightly. This post is written as a part of my healing journey as well as exposing some of the things that kept our family in bondage as an effort to help free others who may be in similar situations and need validation, encouragement, and hope.