My whole life, 38 years and counting, it has been easy to see the message that can wreak havoc in my life... when I let it.
Oftentimes, it will come in various shapes and sizes and colors, but all in all it is always telling me the same thing, "You are not good enough."
As a child, among family:
"You are not good enough to love and keep and accept into our family." I translated their message when I was seven years old, as my fourth family gave me back to the social worker to find a different home for me. When I was seventeen, I heard the message again as my adopted family put me back into the system! And on and on and on I have heard that message... never have I found a family to date that will call me their own (and treat me as if I were). I am an outcast, an outsider, on my own.
When I turned seventeen, and I found my birthmother and learned that my conception was a result of her being raped, it was another huge confirmation to my belief, at that moment, that I was never wanted and here was confirmation that I was never intended to be on this earth. I was nothing but a mistake.
Among peers:
"You are not pretty enough to be a cheerleader." One girl told me on the playground in elementary school.
"Your ankles are fat and your nose is a grappling-hook" One boy taunted as he and a number of others marched around a classroom making fun of me in junior-high school.
"Not even your own birthmother wanted you." He said another day and sent me running down the hall to the nearest bathroom to hide and cry.
As an adult, in the financial world:
"You don't have a high enough balance to have a checking account here." A brokerage firm told me, in a letter, telling me they were closing my account and I needed to bank somewhere else.
"You don't make enough money to qualify for the child care help program to help you get a job to make money." I am paraphrasing a letter I received when I was desperately trying to find a way to provide for our family and finally applied for the government program people were telling me would help.
In the church:
"We cannot help you because you are not a member here."
But, I reply, "I am a member of the body of Christ. I just moved here. I need help. Can you help?"
"No, you are not a member of our church, so we cannot help."
In my church (of two years):
"We cannot help you because we judge you as not managing your money as you should and because you missed coming the last few weeks."
But, I think, "I gave you our budget trying to show how I am managing our money well and why I need help. By the way, we were out of town trying to get treatment for my husband's condition. We've been coming nearly every Sunday, tithing to this church, for over two years!"
Not enough.
Never enough.
Always something I did wrong,
said wrong,
thought wrong,
looked wrong.
Constant bombardment of this message.
I thought I could run from it when I changed states and went to college. I thought I was leaving all that baggage behind and I could carve out a new future and be anyone I needed to be... to be loved, to be accepted, to be enough.
I was wrong.
From bank NSF charges (overdrafts), credit card late fees, missing deadlines to sign my children up for a school, a sport, or the Six Flags Read To Succeed program, to the unconditional acceptance from people I believed were my best friends and even my husband, at one point in our marriage,
the message has been clear.....
I am not, and never will be ENOUGH.... at least not for this world!
So what hope do I have?
How do I deal with this?
What's the point of even trying?
People tell me, "You don't have to be perfect", but every time I try to be perfect, at not being perfect, it hits me in the face again.... another person, company, or organization tells me - you missed it!
I have tried to escape this message. I have fought to be enough, trying to please everyone and do everything they say, I failed.
Unfortunately, as a teenager I fought the internal strife through harmful and dangerous practices toward myself, ultimately leading to bulemia, self-cutting, and eventually attempts to take my own life.
Being angry has not helped. Grudges, Abandonment, Retaliation and Rebellion have only led to more Isolation and Disaster.
I thought it was just me. That I had been marked somehow at birth. Sometimes, I literally think, "Do I have 'REJECT ME' written on my forehead? How does this keep happening? Why does it feel like it's just to me? What did I do that was so wrong -as a baby?"
I now realize, it's not just me. It's just that I have suffered in silence, tormented by this, plagued by this question of "Am I enough? Am I ever going to be enough?" because the enemy of my soul wanted me there... isolated, alone, depressed, afraid.... dark and eventually dead. Never to get this message out.... to you.
YOU ARE ENOUGH
and you always have been.
YOU ARE ENOUGH because when God formed you, when HE CREATED YOU, He made you perfectly the way He wanted YOU to be. YOU are a part of a bigger plan, a bigger picture, and there is NO ONE EXACTLY LIKE YOU... probably not even close to being like you. You are unique; handcrafted by God, the maker of everything beautiful you see around you.
Hear me. Really hear me in your heart. Meditate on this if you are arguing with me as you read this.
God is PERFECT. In Him there is NO Darkness at all! Nothing evil. Nothing in any error. Perfect.
A perfect Creator made You... which by logic means... YOU WERE CREATED PERFECTLY.
Unfortunately, in the natural world, there is much sin and much consequence from sin, and so it is all around us. This is why we hear, "We live in a fallen world". You are living in a fallen world... thus the pain, the suffering, the agony and the message that you too may hear... you failed to qualify for the coupon, the promotion, the deadline, the medal, the status, or the relationship you sought.
But, there is a place that I have known nearly all my life. It is a place that I hope you too have found, but I suspect many who read this never have been shown the way to. It is a place that you can always go to and find complete rest, complete peace, perfect love, and perfect acceptance. It is available any time and all the time to any body and every body... if you will just find it.
It's not easy to find for everybody. Some find it easier than others. Some start looking and then give up because it's too hard or they don't believe it really exists.
But, if no one else tells you. I want to tell you. If you don't believe it's true, I challenge you to search for it the rest of your life until you find it... and I know you will find it (and it won't take you the rest of your life either)!
There is a place within you, yes, within YOU (on the inside) that you can go. It is a secret place where you and your Father (God) can communicate. Imagine that! Perfection communicating with His perfect creation in a perfect way (untappable by anyone else)!
Matthew 6 tells us to pray and fast to "your Father who is in the secret place".
To summarize it all in this one blog would be impossible. God willing, I will be able to someday share more specifically the many ways the Lord has brought me to the places I am with Him that allow me such strength in times of weakness, such courage in times of great fear, and such hope in times that look hopeless.
But, I can tell you this much now: I implore you to research, seek this out earnestly ask the Lord Jesus Christ and the Holy Spirit to lead you, guide you, and speak to you in a way that you will know that you have heard from Him.
'Call to Me, and I will answer you, and show you great and mighty things, which you do not know.' - Jeremiah 33:3 NKJV
"And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose." - Romans 8:28 NKJV (For a richer revelation, be sure to look this up and read the verses before and after this too!)
So - the phenomenal thing to me is this: No matter what, whether I miss it, or someone else makes me think I missed it.... "it's all good". In Christ, it's all able to be worked out for my good, and the good of anyone who loves God. That is just phenomenal. So, just like the knowledge of the law can propel man to just want to sin, this verse seems the antidote to help man let go of the pressure of "what if I sin?" or "what if I miss it?" (for things we just don't think are sin but still cause problems in our life).
So - no one wanted to call me their child... ok. Well, I find my worth in the love of the Creator of the world. I'll take that. Though it's sad for me, and it hurts when I don't have the family I always wanted (not yet at least), I know God has, and will use it for good (mine and others).
So - I wasn't pretty enough for this or that as a child.. ok. Well, I have had to search deep within for beauty that is real and lasting and have found a much deeper appreciation for that in myself and others. I know God has, and will use it for good (mine and others).
So - the banks, government programs, and churches have rejected me.. ok. I have learned many lessons related to not judging people who feel trapped in the viciousness of poverty and that God is truly my source for all tangible survival (not just spiritual). I know God has, and will use it for good (mine and others).
No matter how much the bank late fee may be, or how far in debt I could become, or who I have loved that has rejected me, it is nothing compared to the bondage and the chains I have felt in my soul by the message that I am hopeless and have no value.
With Christ, I don't stay in those pits - those lies from Hell - very long anymore. I have come out from that place and I wish I could tell everyone who is there now - it is a lie. There is light. There is perfect light -and that light is within you. It was hardwired into you from the very beginning. If you have not seen it, if you have not felt it, if you have not known it - I promise you it is there.
God is no respector of persons. He did not just show Himself to me because I am chosen. Fight to uncover it. Fight to see it... and even if it's just a little glimmer that you see...fight to hold on to it. Don't let it go.
You were created with a purpose and a plan by a perfect Creator. His plan and purpose for you are perfect. I've learned that it won't happen by chance, coincidences, or by standing by and waiting to see what happens next. You have to know it, find it, hold onto it, and walk it out daily (sometimes moment-by-moment). But, don't give up finding it.
Just like you have to feed your physical body food to survive, grow, and thrive, you have to feed your soul/spirit the Word of God (The Bible is The Words of God and Christ to you) in order for the Spirit that is living within you to survive, grow, and thrive.
Just like you have to intentionally exercise your physical body to build and maintain muscle, you have to intentionally read and study the Word of God to get stronger in the knowledge of what the Word of God says. You have to intentionally think about it, question it, try it, look for it to work in your life, and meditate on it (chew on it over and over). You have to intentionally pray and speak to God and learn how to listen for and to God. For me, these have had to be intentional choices, they have not been automatic.
I found a place where I can go where I find peace, rest, love, and acceptance.
There is also truth, direction and guidance for real daily problems I face.
He offers me tangible provision for clothing, furniture, food, and even transportation.
There is no judgement or condemnation, only love and correction.
I find inspiration and ideas, hope, and a purpose for continuing to wake up each day and choose to live.
My hope is that you too will find that place and know that you are never alone, and with God, all things are possible for you too.
He loves you. He really does. He always has. When you love Him by seeking Him and doing what He says, you find true freedom and break the chains around your soul that tell you there is no purpose, that you are trapped, and that you will not be good enough.
You are good enough, because He is good, and He is In you. He is all around you.
Don't give up finding Him. Don't give up living the life He planned for you. After all of His creations in Genesis, He said, "It is good." :)
~Rachelle 3/13/2014
But, I reply, "I am a member of the body of Christ. I just moved here. I need help. Can you help?"
"No, you are not a member of our church, so we cannot help."
But, I think, "I gave you our budget trying to show how I am managing our money well and why I need help. By the way, we were out of town trying to get treatment for my husband's condition. We've been coming nearly every Sunday, tithing to this church, for over two years!"
said wrong,
thought wrong,
looked wrong.
the message has been clear.....
How do I deal with this?
What's the point of even trying?
and you always have been.
A perfect Creator made You... which by logic means... YOU WERE CREATED PERFECTLY.
Turns out, in this world, I am not enough. Though I was created perfectly by a perfect Creator, as long as I am in flesh, I have a war with my flesh and this world going on against my soul and the Spirit that lives within me.
In short, if you wonder what I am talking about, here's how I see the story:
- God, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit created man in their image - perfection and in total unity. This could be when all mankind was created (in the spiritual realm) and were lined up in queue (so to speak) for their time and purpose in history/the future.
- Man chose to disobey God (Adam and Eve story) and now were not protected from the knowledge of evil and good.
- Thus, because there is no sin apart from the law, all man became sinners because of the knowledge of good and evil. (We all see this with small children: they are fine until you tell them "Do not cross that line". Then they cannot resist to experiment with the line and how close they can get to it and what will happen if they cross it.)
- No matter how hard the priests tried, in the Old Testament of the Bible, they could never completely cleanse the people from their sins (See Hebrews 8-10 for a great explanation of this).
- So, Jesus Christ came to Earth, in the flesh of man, to walk this Earth perfectly (the only man without sin as a model to us), and to be The Perfect Sacrifice for all man.
- If that wasn't enough, He defeated Satan (during his 3-day death) to set all men free and then Jesus came back to Earth, gave us instructions on what to do, and then ascended to Heaven and is seated at the right hand of God as an advocate, a helper, a priest on OUR BEHALF!
- When we accept Jesus as our Lord and Savior (to save us in everything - not just when we die so we can go to heaven), we receive His mind, His Spirit (the same one that raised Him from the dead!). We receive the Holy Spirit as our gift to help us always! The Holy Spirit is like our translator between God/Jesus and our flesh.
- When we get into a relationship with Jesus (spending time with Him, talking and listening to Him, doing what He tells us to do on a moment by moment basis), there is peace in our souls that transcends us completely out of the messages that we are deficient. When we are one with our Father, there are no deficiencies in us. That is what Christ paid for us. He came to Earth, walked as we walk, suffered temptations and persecutions as we do, suffered a cruel death as we hope not to - so that He could take it all upon Himself and free us from the ramifications of sin (whether ours or others) in this world.
"And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose." - Romans 8:28 NKJV (For a richer revelation, be sure to look this up and read the verses before and after this too!)
So - the phenomenal thing to me is this: No matter what, whether I miss it, or someone else makes me think I missed it.... "it's all good". In Christ, it's all able to be worked out for my good, and the good of anyone who loves God. That is just phenomenal. So, just like the knowledge of the law can propel man to just want to sin, this verse seems the antidote to help man let go of the pressure of "what if I sin?" or "what if I miss it?" (for things we just don't think are sin but still cause problems in our life).
So - no one wanted to call me their child... ok. Well, I find my worth in the love of the Creator of the world. I'll take that. Though it's sad for me, and it hurts when I don't have the family I always wanted (not yet at least), I know God has, and will use it for good (mine and others).
So - I wasn't pretty enough for this or that as a child.. ok. Well, I have had to search deep within for beauty that is real and lasting and have found a much deeper appreciation for that in myself and others. I know God has, and will use it for good (mine and others).
So - the banks, government programs, and churches have rejected me.. ok. I have learned many lessons related to not judging people who feel trapped in the viciousness of poverty and that God is truly my source for all tangible survival (not just spiritual). I know God has, and will use it for good (mine and others).
No matter how much the bank late fee may be, or how far in debt I could become, or who I have loved that has rejected me, it is nothing compared to the bondage and the chains I have felt in my soul by the message that I am hopeless and have no value.
With Christ, I don't stay in those pits - those lies from Hell - very long anymore. I have come out from that place and I wish I could tell everyone who is there now - it is a lie. There is light. There is perfect light -and that light is within you. It was hardwired into you from the very beginning. If you have not seen it, if you have not felt it, if you have not known it - I promise you it is there.
God is no respector of persons. He did not just show Himself to me because I am chosen. Fight to uncover it. Fight to see it... and even if it's just a little glimmer that you see...fight to hold on to it. Don't let it go.
You were created with a purpose and a plan by a perfect Creator. His plan and purpose for you are perfect. I've learned that it won't happen by chance, coincidences, or by standing by and waiting to see what happens next. You have to know it, find it, hold onto it, and walk it out daily (sometimes moment-by-moment). But, don't give up finding it.
Just like you have to feed your physical body food to survive, grow, and thrive, you have to feed your soul/spirit the Word of God (The Bible is The Words of God and Christ to you) in order for the Spirit that is living within you to survive, grow, and thrive.
Just like you have to intentionally exercise your physical body to build and maintain muscle, you have to intentionally read and study the Word of God to get stronger in the knowledge of what the Word of God says. You have to intentionally think about it, question it, try it, look for it to work in your life, and meditate on it (chew on it over and over). You have to intentionally pray and speak to God and learn how to listen for and to God. For me, these have had to be intentional choices, they have not been automatic.
I found a place where I can go where I find peace, rest, love, and acceptance.
There is also truth, direction and guidance for real daily problems I face.
He offers me tangible provision for clothing, furniture, food, and even transportation.
There is no judgement or condemnation, only love and correction.
I find inspiration and ideas, hope, and a purpose for continuing to wake up each day and choose to live.
My hope is that you too will find that place and know that you are never alone, and with God, all things are possible for you too.
He loves you. He really does. He always has. When you love Him by seeking Him and doing what He says, you find true freedom and break the chains around your soul that tell you there is no purpose, that you are trapped, and that you will not be good enough.
You are good enough, because He is good, and He is In you. He is all around you.
Don't give up finding Him. Don't give up living the life He planned for you. After all of His creations in Genesis, He said, "It is good." :)
"For I know the plans I have for you," says the LORD.
"They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.
In those days when you pray, I will listen.
If you look for me wholeheartedly, you will find me.
I will be found by you," says the LORD. "
I will end your captivity and restore your fortunes.
I will gather you out of the nations where I sent you
and will bring you home again to your own land."
- Jeremiah 29:11-14 NLT
"They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.
In those days when you pray, I will listen.
If you look for me wholeheartedly, you will find me.
I will be found by you," says the LORD. "
I will end your captivity and restore your fortunes.
I will gather you out of the nations where I sent you
and will bring you home again to your own land."
- Jeremiah 29:11-14 NLT
~Rachelle 3/13/2014
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