Forgiveness by the Blood of Jesus Alone

(Caution: The content of this post may not be suitable for younger imaginations unless a parent is ready to filter it first.)

I cannot remember how it all started, but I definitely remember how horrifying and life changing it was.  There was a group of men; they seemed like Native Americans, by their skin tones and dark hair and eyes. They were acting like true savages. Something had happened. I am not sure what it was, but I knew there was great danger.

I quickly acted and went inside the nursing home to try to protect a man.  I was too late. His door was open and I saw that the one fugitive had him cornered in the room. There was nothing I could do. I saw what the savage intended to do, and it terrified me. He had a long handled axe, and before I completely turned to run away, I heard the sound of him using it. This was horrific!

There was an older woman walking in the hallway. She was completely oblivious to the danger she was in. I tried to look calm and I stopped running. I enticed her to come with me by nudging her along aggressively with my shoulder and body language.  She was a sweet woman and did not put up any sort of fight. 

Once I got her into what looked like a library room, I went back to get the others.  I don’t know what my plan was. I guess I was thinking if I could get them all into this room, maybe their personal rooms would be empty and this man would just leave the building. I wanted to save them.

Before too long, word was somehow spreading and groups of elderly people were now pouring into the large room very noisily.  I tried to encourage them to keep their voices down. They did not understand what the panic was about, but they were right in the middle of it.  I did not dare tell them what I had seen. I don’t know if it was the right thing to do, but it just did not seem necessary to reveal this to them. I guess I believed if they knew, we really would have a panic. I needed them to trust me and just sit down and quietly wait.

Suddenly, I saw my friend Amanda helping. I was so relieved for her to be there helping bring the elderly people in and sitting with them.

My plan seemed to work, and then my fears started to come true. I looked up right as the savage, along with two of his buddies, walked into the room. They found us. In one hand he was carrying his axe, pointed to the ground. In the other, he had a large white plastic garbage bag with something heavy in the bottom of it.

He looked right at me, and he said, “I have a present for you.”

I did not know what to do. I was terrified. The room seemed to be totally still as it waited for my next move.

I politely walked up to the man, pretending to be confident. I took the bag from his hands and said, “Thank you” as cheerfully and sincere as I could. Immediately I knew what I was now holding. It was the head of the man he had just murdered. I quickly tried to assess if there was something else in addition. What else was the “gift”? But I did not dare open that bag to find out.

The savage started to move toward me. He was not moving quickly or aggressively, but his dark eyes were focused right on me. I backed up all the way into a corner in the kitchen.  All the people were on the outside of the kitchen able to see me through the buffet bar. I was on the inside.  Between me and them was this man, who I knew had just chopped off the head of someone with the axe he was still carrying.

Imaginations started to enter my mind. I instantly saw him violently swinging his axe in the midst of all these people and a true slaughter taking place. No! No way! That could not happen! I had to do something! Something before he killed me!?!

I started to use the only weapon I had. All at once I stared right into his eyes with boldness and started to speak in tongues. I did not know what I was saying in the natural, but I knew I was bold and confident and super intent on looking that way to him. I was inviting the Spirit of God to intervene and save me, save us all from this demonic attempt to murder us.

I babbled on for a few moments, and he looked completely confused and mesmerized at the same time. He stood their frozen with his feet planted and his axe had not been raised. Then I started to holler at him, “No weapon formed against me will prevail! Ten thousand will fall at my right and left, but I will still stand.” Some more tongues and then when I did not know what to say, I kept thinking, “Just say ‘Jesus’”, and so I did….”Jesus”…. “Jesus!”…. “Jesus!”….

The next thing I knew, we were sitting down at a table face-to-face. We were outside of the kitchen, and all the people were behind me, sitting quietly at their tables. This man looked right into my eyes, and suddenly there was softness in his eyes as he spoke, well… he actually started to murmur a song.  “What can wash away my sins? Nothing but the blood of Jesus. What can make me whole again? Nothing but the blood of Jesus.”

What was happening? The man said, “My mother taught me that song when I was a little boy.”

Though I was still aware of fear’s presence as I kept one eye on his axe, still in his hand, I was rejoicing inside. I saw that Jesus was in him. He was in him! He had been put in him years ago, and now this man was recognizing His presence and a softness was there right before us all!

There was instant forgiveness and compassion for this man. I don’t know how to explain it, other than I was aware immediately that nothing in his past – whether years ago, or just moments ago – was significant any longer as far as this man’s soul was concerned. There was nothing that could be done other than the blood of Jesus for any of us and for this man in particular.

I cannot remember how we transitioned from that conversation to the next memory I have.

Next thing I knew, we were working side by side to serve the people, as in a restaurant type setting. He was helping me fix the woman’s bathroom toilet. He had a blow torch in his one hand to fix some type of piping. I’ll admit, when I saw that, I was a bit nervous, but continued to try to see the best in him and act calm…. expecting good to come about.

It’s strange how the people you least expect meanness from can surprise you as well.

While we were standing there waiting for the stall to open up, for him to fix, I noticed some women lined up washing their hands in the sinks. There were about five sinks in a row and all of them were being used.

Suddenly, this older short-haired blonde woman, who was standing behind the brown-haired woman leaning close to the sink washing her hands, pushed this brown-haired woman’s head under the faucet. She was holding her head under the water with the intention of getting all of her hair was wet! Unbelievable! 

We quickly got the lady to back off, and I proceeded to try to encourage the brown-hair woman that her hair did not look too bad. It was now a bit curly from the wet experience.  I tried to tell her a story about another woman who went through a similar experience in a movie I saw. Then I realized the movie was a bit gory (there was a man whose head had been chopped off and put in a bag), and I did not want her to think I watched those types of movies, so I just dropped it.

Next thing I know, we were serving a lead banker. His back was still turned to me, but when he heard my voice, he was quite upset. As I rounded the corner for him to see me…..

I woke up.

~

I started to think about how we could put a Bible in every bank’s waiting room in America. Would that be allowed? What about the banks who are owned by non-Christians? Would they let us do it?

Then, I started to realize the horrific dream I just had. Why am I having such vivid, grotesque dreams? Last night and the night before have been more intense in my mind than movies I would allow myself to watch!

I tried to remember the familiar song, “Nothing but the blood of Jesus.”

What can wash away my sins?

Nothing but the blood of Jesus.

What can make me whole again?

Nothing but the blood of Jesus.

I wondered, “Was this dream from God to me for a reason?”

Suddenly, it dropped into my Spirit so quickly and all of it at once. I knew the message of my dream.

It is difficult to explain in words, but in general:

I knew that in my dream, I was able to see Jesus in this man who did these horrific things, and I was able to forgive him and have compassion on him. Completely no bitterness. No penalties in my behavior toward him. No grudges.

Fear of his potential to revert back to his old ways was still a bit present, but I was able to ignore that for the most part.

I had confronted his evilness boldly with the Spirit in tongues, confessing Scriptures out loud, and saying the name of Jesus over the situation. And it brought the Spirit of Jesus out of this man!

And yet….

My husband.

My husband has never murdered anyone with an axe (Praise God!), but he has definitely done and said things to me and our children that I have put in the same category as unbelievable and evil.

I have been cornered emotionally, and I have decided to shut down and shut him out.

That is like letting the devil raise that axe and chop the head off our family!*

I have been fighting with weapons of carnality –coldness, non-responsiveness in all areas, catching myself and pulling back when I find I am naturally being drawn towards him - not spiritual weapons. And we all have been losing.

“For though we walk in the flesh, we do not war according to the flesh. For the weapons of our warfare are not carnal but mighty in God for pulling down strongholds, casting down arguments and every high thing that exalts itself against the knowledge of God, bringing every thought into captivity to the obedience of Christ, and being ready to punish all disobedience when your obedience is fulfilled.” - 2 Corinthians 10:3-6 NKJV

The song hit me, as I woke up.

I cannot wash away his sins. He cannot wash away his sins! (No matter how long I keep him on my emotional probation).

I cannot make me whole. I cannot make him whole! (No matter how many times I try to explain something to him, or show him Scriptures, or manipulate him to act the way I want through complaining, whining, crying, withdrawing, etc).

NOTHING      BUT    THE     BLOOD      of       JESUS

can save either of us.

And…. SNAP!

An emotional tie that was holding my Spirit down was released at the power of the realization of this. (It is beyond words, but I share this in effort to not forget it, for myself, but also as a testimony of what the Lord can do and use to release us from bondages! No pills, no counseling… just the Lord in my mind, in my heart, in my Spirit!)

I wish I could harness the peace and release I felt in that moment. I felt like I could do it! I can just love my husband (the way I know I am supposed to and the way he is begging me to). I can just look into his eyes and see Jesus and I will be able to walk in forgiveness and compassion.

Well, within moments, he rolled over to snuggle me, and I felt my defenses come up immediately!

If only it was as immediate and easy as in my dream!

But, nonetheless, I believe the Lord showed me (in an extreme way) today that I have the capacity to do it. I must hold on to that and retrain my natural mind and body to line up with what I know is IN me and IN him.

The blood of Jesus is what I cling to. It is the ONLY thing that can save us. NOT ANY THING I DO OR DO NOT DO! So, I can just let it go and stop trying to punish or change him.

It’s NOT up to ME.

Jesus already paid for it ALL!

“But if we walk in the light as He is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus Christ His Son cleanses us from all sin”.
- 1 John 1:7 NKJV

 

~ Later:

After I read this to my husband, he was moved to tears, and at one point he said he felt breathless. 

He described feeling like we were in a boat, and he realizes that he has pushed me overboard and I am drowning in the water. He keeps trying to reach down to pull me up into the boat, but every time he reaches in after me, I get further away. He’s been thinking the victory would be getting me back into the boat with him, but today he said this, “The hope itself was the victory.” (not getting the “result” he has been seeking)

He said that when I read about finding love and forgiveness for him, it was as if I covered him with a blanket of hope. 

I was reminded of the verse that says, “Hope deferred makes the heart sick,” (Proverbs 13:12). I wonder now:  If he has no hope, according to Scripture, his heart is sick. If the mouth speaks out of the condition of his heart (Matthew 15:18, Luke 6:45), could it be a vicious cycle of me not giving him hope (and/or him not finding his hope in Christ) that is perpetuating the negative outflow in his mouth and behavior which is continuing my desire to withdrawal and not give him hope, etc?

Now I think of this verse too, “For we are saved by hope…” (Romans 8:24 KJV)

In some interesting (perhaps supernatural) way, my dream last night has been able to not only release me from some emotional bondage, but in sharing it, it has also been able to transcend into giving my husband hope.

~Extra: How did my mind come up with such a dream? In case you are wondering:

I am a firm believer that we must guard our eyes and ears, because once something enters into our soul, it is there - whether we realize it or not. So, I try to be careful what I watch, what I listen to, and what I allow myself to be influenced by.

Here are my conclusions:

The Native American - we had watched Kirk Cameron's Monumental movie and I saw a brief harmless scene with some Native Americans.

The head in the bag - my only thought on this is that my daughter asked yesterday how tall Goliath was. I think my subconscious mind was somehow connecting to the full story without me realizing it (David ends up defeating Goliath and chopping his head off).

My boldness in confronting the savage by tongues, the Words of God, and the name of Jesus - well, over the last few years, I have been having many dreams similar to this where I believe the Lord is giving me visions of myself doing things I cannot imagine in the natural. Each time, I wake up and think "WOW! God must be training me in my sleep!"